Fair and Square

By Patricia Berry

Luca Campbell, age four, didn’t want to give up his bedroom to a visitor. Who could blame him? He’d worked hard helping his mom Alison, of Allentown, Pa. set up his space just the way he liked it. Now, Grandma was moving in for a few days -- and Luca was moving out. Eventually, he helped get the room ready, making space in his closet and putting out the guest towels, but it was a big step for him.

Misgivings about sharing among toddlers and preschoolers aren’t just predictable -- they’re perfectly natural. At this age, a child’s instincts are to horde and protect what he thinks of as his, says January Handl, director of Mulberry School in Los Gatos, Calif. “Our job, as grown-ups, is to plant the seeds of empathy,” says Handl. “We can’t stop them from wanting not to let go of their possessions, but we can help them see how good they can make other people feel.”

Rather than wait for a sandbox scuffle, Handl suggests looking for sharing moments throughout the day. Avoid taking a toy or object from your child to give to another, and don’t force him to share. Instead, look for opportunities to give positive reinforcement, such as, “see how happy you’ve made your baby sister by letting her play with your teddy.”

Here are some other tips for encouraging the generous spirit within your child:

Avoid the “s” word Call acts of inclusion something other than “sharing.” Kids learn early that handing over their belongings does not necessarily make them feel happy. But the act of inviting a “partner” onto a two-person swing, for instance, implies being on a team and allows toddlers to feel like they’re gaining something, not losing something.

Clear the playing field When friends are coming over to play, ask your child which toys she’s willing to let her friend play with, and which ones she wants to leave in your room until after the playdate is over. It doesn’t mean there won’t be a squabble over a toy, but you can point out your earlier agreement if there is. When toddlers have more control over a situation, they tend to cooperate more.

Give her words to use Script the playdate so your child has something to fall back on when she starts getting worked up. Be matter of fact with your suggestions: “When I’m done with my turn, I’ll give it to you.” Let her know she can decide when her turn is up, but that she does have to decide some time.

Explain what her actions say When she gets up and leaves a toy behind, for example, she’s saying she’s no longer playing with that toy. Once she’s aware of what she is doing, she can avoid sending out the wrong signals and start planning for sharing.

Make some exceptions Make it easier for your child to part with her things by setting some family rules that protect her interests, such as it’s okay not to share a brand new toy for the first few days. A few exceptions help her maintain a sense of control.

Show her the benefits Whenever possible, point out how your child’s generosity has made another child happy. Empathy doesn’t fully develop until the school-age years, but you can help your toddler see that by sharing her popcorn, she has put a grin on his friend’s face. Then, as he gets older, he’ll begin to feel joy from helping another person.