Toilet Tricks

Q: Our 3-year-old daughter, who is otherwise potty trained, will not use the toilet for bowel movements. What should I do?

A: Relax. This isn't unusual. There are several common reasons why children this age are reluctant to use a toilet. She may be uncomfortable or feel unbalanced while she's sitting there. Make sure that her feet can press against something, such as a footstool, and that she isn't worried that she'll fall in.

She may be frightened by the sounds and actions of the toilet when you flush it. Some children worry that they'll be swept away in the whirlpool.

Finally, children this age think of their bowel movements as part of their bodies. They're reluctant to have them go down the toilet. Leaving the bowel movement in the bowl until your child leaves the bathroom and then flushing might make her more comfortable. --Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D.

It's Good To Have "Friends"

Q: I have an almost 4-year-old girl. She refers to herself in third person. She also says that her "other self" makes her behave poorly at home. Is this normal for her age? Will she grow out of it?

A: Yes, it's normal, and yes, she will grow out of it. Her "other self" is a kind of imaginary friend that may serve many purposes. Some such friends take the blame for misbehaviors, some are companions that take away loneliness, and others allow a child to experiment with different roles and identities. Creative children, firstborns and girls are all more likely to invent imaginary friends.

Provided your child is otherwise socially appropriate, is involved in the world of play and other children, and is on target developmentally, don’t worry. Show polite respect for this other self, but don't go overboard and act as if it's too real. Your daughter knows it's all pretend. But do make her pay the consequences for any misbehaviors that imaginary friend does.

Finally, don't try to argue this other self away. Imaginary companions will only join your family for a short time, so enjoy the magic while it lasts. --Suzanne Dixon, M.D., M.P.H.

Kid Power

Q: My 2 1/2-year-old daughter will not let me do anything for her. She won't let me change her diaper or put on her clothes or her jacket. I also have a hard time getting her to bed. I am so frustrated and late for everything, even my job. When I start to dress her she tells me "no" and I have to struggle with her. Please help. I am at my wits' end.

A: Sounds pretty normal to me! Two-year-olds are obsessed with power. While your daughter does not understand the implication of her saying no, she recognizes that it gives her power. That's why she keeps doing it.

At the same time, she's searching for limits. If you give in to her all the time, she'll keep pushing the envelope by saying it even more. The solution involves giving her choices on unimportant matters and sticking to your guns on the important issues.

For example, when her diaper needs changing, change it whether she agrees or not. That's a matter of health. But you can let her choose between two shirts she can wear. If she won't choose or simply says no, choose for her and put that shirt on her. She'll choose the next time since she now knows the limits.

This should ease your frustration and get you back on schedule -- or at least close. --Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D.