The Positive Power of "No"

By Patricia Berry

Linda Eschenbaum's daughter, Jane, was supposed to be a flower girl in her aunt's wedding, but the two-year-old was having no part of it. Away from her Rice Lake, Wis., home and her normal routine, Jane was in a less-than-festive mood. As her mom attempted to put her in the pretty party gown bought especially for the occasion, Jane made her feelings known in a word: "No!"

Her behavior may have frustrated her mother, but Jane was doing exactly what she should be doing developmentally, according to Martha Erickson, Ph.D., director of the Harris Programs (Center for Early Education and Development) at the University of Minnesota. "'No' is a simple tool children use to establish a separate sense of self," says Erickson. "That's their developmental task, beginning at around two."

The Need for Control
It may have seemed as though Jane's rejection of the flower girl dress was about defying her mother, but it was really about gaining control over her situation. As babies, children raised in a supportive home are the center of the universe. Everything is done for them. In their toddler years, children begin to develop independence, according to Erickson. "They are programmed to begin moving from that tight connection to their parents to asserting their own wishes."

A parent's job, then, is to give her child enough room to make choices, but not so much room that the child feels like there are no boundaries. Children need to know their limits -- and parents need to define them -- in order for them to feel safe and secure. As much as they crave some independence, it is overwhelming to toddlers to have limitless options.

"Toddlers can't tolerate unfettered choice," explains Erickson, so parents need to make it clear to them what is and isn't okay in terms of behavior and safety. They must also limit the area where their children can exercise their free will. "Parents need to build corrals that are clearly defined," adds Erickson. "For the toddler years, the fences need to be close enough to be safe, but large enough that a child can express herself."

One easy way to set up boundaries is to present your child with choices. During a play break, for example, offer your child two healthy snacks to choose from. Or, if a chilly day warrants a hat, have more than one option handy so she can pick the one she wants to wear that day. Little choices go a long way toward helping a child understand her individuality.

Staying Little a Little Longer
Just because they need a little independence doesn't mean that two- to four-year-olds are completely ready emotionally for a big change. Toddlers are actually ambivalent about growing up, according to Erickson. "They want to be big kids, but they also want to be embraced in that tender way they were as babies," she says. "Their emotions get churned up, and they can get frustrated when undeveloped motor skills won't yet let them do what older kids are able to do."

It's not an accident that "no" is often one of the first words babies utter. It's an easy word for them to say -- and one they hear a lot. "Even parents who try not to overuse it find plenty of occasions when 'no' is necessary, such as when a child's safety is involved," says Erickson. Toddlers also see the reaction a "no" can get from adults, and they understand very quickly how powerful the word is. As parents, it's hard not to react to a contrary child. But appreciating the upside to that behavior -- and allowing your toddler to make some independent choices each day -- will make "no" a more positive experience for both of you.