The 'Why' Factor

By Jacqueline Mroz

Like many toddlers, Natalia Leaf, 3, of Glen Ridge, N.J., is afraid of thunder. "Why is thunder so noisy?" she recently asked her mom, Pamela Weber-Leaf.

"Because it's the sound of big things crashing together," her mother answered.
"But why is it so scary?"
"It just sounds scary."
"But why?"

Like many parents, Weber-Leaf finds herself getting impatient with the barrage of questions she fields from her toddler. And she has a couple of questions herself: Why do 2- and 3-year-olds endlessly ask about things, and how are parents supposed to respond?

"As much as it can drive you crazy, it's a really good thing that parents should encourage," says Claire Lerner, a social worker with a specialty in early childhood development in Washington, DC. "The best students and the most creative people ask the most questions."

Two and 3-year olds constantly ask questions because they are beginning to understand logic and reasoning. They are starting to realize that concepts are connected. When you're tired, it's time to go to sleep; when the sky is dark it means it's nighttime. "When they begin to understand the why of things, they want to know the reason for everything," says Lerner, who is also the director of parenting resources for Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization that works to support the healthy development and well-being of infants, toddlers and their families.

Once parents understand the reasons behind all those questions, they are much more tolerant of them. But that doesn't mean they have all the answers. (Do you know why the sky is blue?) So what is the best way to respond to a toddler's endless queries?  When Josie Robins' 2-year-old son, Henry, asks a lot of questions, she sometimes turns it around and says, "I don't know, why do you think that is, Henry?" "Sometimes you get the best answers that way, and it seems to distract him from continuing his questions," says Robins, of Nashville, Tenn.

Asking your child what he thinks is a great idea, according to Lerner. "It's such a good thing to do because when you say, 'Why do you think birds fly?' you are telling your child that you really care about his ideas -- and that is such an important message to give your kids. It makes them feel good," she explains.

Most 3-year-olds will respond with something interesting, says Lerner. You can answer them without saying they are wrong. Say, "That's a great answer and such an interesting idea. Here's what I know about it." Make sure you keep your answers simple and concise for a young child. Giving them too much information could actually make them anxious.

Another reason why it makes sense to ask your child what they think is that often, parents will misunderstand what their toddlers really want to know.

For instance, Lerner tells the story of a 3-year-old girl who asked her mother, "Where did I come from?" The mother went into a long explanation of how babies are born. Finally, after a pause, the daughter said, "No, I meant, did I come from New York or New Jersey?"