Warding Off Count Dracula

By Patricia Berry

Jackie Dyer was mortified. Her four-year-old, Clare, irritated with being poked and peered at by a woman with scary-looking tools, had shared her feelings in a very anti-social way: she'd bitten the dentist. Hard.

The Ossining, N.Y., mother of three apologized profusely, and the dentist waved off the incident. Most likely, the dentist knew from experience what Dyer was too embarrassed at that moment to consider: For toddlers -- and even for preschoolers considered "mature enough" to know better -- biting is a normal reaction to situations that are stressful, frightening, or even simply annoying.

Toddlers are not yet equipped with the communication skills to let their feelings be known verbally, according to Martha Erickson, Ph.D. Director, Harris Programs Center for Early Education & Development at the University of Minnesota. As they become more mobile, toddlers often become more demanding in staking out their territory -- their toys, space, food, and so on -- which creates many potentially frustrating situations. Lashing out is a typical response when someone, another child say, takes their toy or blocks their path.
"Hitting is common, but so is biting. It's the most primal way to express frustration or to fight off a predator," says Erickson, who likens a young child's response to that of a puppy when his food is taken away. "A toddler's emotions come out raw and uncensored, often in physical actions since they also don't have a lot of words yet for expressing their feelings."

Preschoolers have the verbal skills, but don't always have the emotional control to use them in stressful situations. Biting or hitting is not uncommon when a child feels unusual pressure -- if he finds himself in a fight with another child or there's been a big change at home, such as the arrival of a new baby.

Learning the difference between acceptable and unacceptable social behavior is where parents come in. When your toddler strikes or bites another person, Erickson advises responding quickly and moving the child away from the scene of the crime, saying firmly, "No hitting" or "No biting." Then, if the biting or hitting was triggered by something the other child did, say, use words like "I don't like that," to show you disapprove. Erickson also suggests adding, "Hands are for being gentle and giving your friend a pat."

Older children are capable of putting their feelings into words. In a calmer moment, get your child to talk about how he could have handled the situation differently. Ask "How can you let someone know you are angry without hitting or biting?" And guide him to the right answer if you need to. For the future, encourage him to come to you or another adult when he's having a difficult time. As with so many aspects of parenting, it's important to catch your child being good, too. Make a special effort to notice the times she uses words instead of teeth, as well as the periods of time -- even brief ones -- when she's playing nicely with other children. The same goes for older kids. "It's a matter of being intentional about noticing when kids are doing what they are supposed to 'I really like the way you ...' or 'I'm proud of how you're handling ...' rather than only noticing when they do things wrong," says Erickson, adding, "All children welcome parental approval, even if they don't act like it."

Sometimes aggressive behavior is not so much a reaction to another child as it is an attempt to grab attention from you. At those times, it's important to focus on the victim, giving him a pat or a hug and saying, "I'm sorry that happened to you." Your child then learns that her behavior, instead of having the desired effect, makes the other child the center of attention.

Patricia Berry is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in Working Mother, This Old House, New Jersey Life and The New York Times and has also served as an editorial consultant for the online resource ClubMom.

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