Being a Better Buddy

By Cindy Schweich Handler

Toddlers love to play with their pals, but as any parent who's refereed a preschool playdate knows, learning how to get along with each other isn’t always fun and games. "Kids this age are the most energetic and impulsive that they’re going to be their whole lives, and they have short attention spans," says Michele Borba, Ed. D., author of numerous parenting books, including Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (Jossey-Bass). But this is the perfect time for tuned-in parents to teach toddlers the skills that will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

"If you show them how to play, they’ll have a model to copy," Borba says. Here’s how you can lay the groundwork for future social success:

Do your advance work There's a lot you can do before a playdate starts to pave the way for a good time. Schedule a get-together for a couple of hours, tops, between your child and one friend -- with kids this young, three is often a crowd -- in the morning or after a nap, when they’re feeling freshest. Chatting briefly with the other mom, either beforehand on the phone or over coffee for a few minutes when she's dropping off her child, gives you the chance to gather info on food allergies, and the friend’s likes and dislikes.

Set the stage Try providing two bins filled with similar playthings, and stow away a special blanket and a favorite teddy bear that your child will balk at sharing. In addition to these, have backup props such as coloring books with big, washable markers, cowboy hats, capes and Hot Wheels at the ready to help head off boredom. If the friends grow tired and the other mom phones that she’ll be late, a blanket spread on the floor and a video (on hand as a last resort) can save the day. 

Be an eavesdropper Head off meltdowns in the making by staying within sight and earshot. Toddlers are easily distracted, says Borba, so as soon as you hear rising voices or stomping feet, redirect their attention -- "Let's go see that beautiful bird out the window!” If that doesn’t work, get them focused on becoming calm by getting down at eye level and quietly saying, "Let's ask for it together. 'May I have that toy?'" If their play continues to be rocky, you can put your toddler in your lap and say "Can Mommy play?" Borba warns against over-relying on time-outs, which can often lead to frustration. But if one friend's hitting, biting or pulling the other's hair, devote one minute per year in age to removing him to a corner, and whisper firmly that he needs to think about how his actions have made his playmate feel.

Talk about feelings Around age four, kids start developing the ability to empathize. In the meantime, help yours appreciate other children's feelings by role-playing: "Okay, I’m your friend Jeremy, and I wanted to pick out the video this time, and you let me. Now I'm smiling and I’m really happy that you let me." Or conversely, "I’m your friend Emily and I took your toy without asking. How does that make you feel … sad, right?"

You can also point out people's reactions to generous actions: "Look at the big smile your sister gave you when you let her go first."