The Art of Being Nice

By Jacqueline Mroz

Louisa Goldsmith's two and a half-year-old daughter has always been sweet and somewhat timid. So when the little girl has playdates with children who are more aggressive, she tends to get bulldozed; the other kids take toys right out of her hand, and she just lets them. "She doesn't cry, she just shuts down and backs off. She retreats," explains Goldsmith, of Aspen, Colo., who says that she is bothered by her daughter's reaction. "I want my daughter to learn to be a little more assertive, but I'm not really sure what to do."

Goldsmith is not the only one confused about how to deal with aggressive toddlers. Bullying behavior among the Sesame Street set has always been a problem, but these days, parents are much more aware of what goes on when kids play, and much less tolerant of kids who are violent or overly aggressive. But while they may act like it, toddlers are not bullies in the true sense -- that is, being mean and intending to harm other children. That type of malicious behavior doesn't occur until around the age of five, according to experts. Toddlers' bullying behavior is a normal part of social development that comes about when they are learning how to be more assertive.

Fortunately, there are ways to keep your child from becoming a bully -- or a victim. Observing your child's playdates is one of the best ways to tackle bullying behavior, says Ari Brown, M.D., a pediatrician in Austin, TX and the author of Toddler 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice for your Toddler (Windsor Peak Press).

Learning Compassion
Parents should watch closely how their toddlers interact with other kids, and be ready to step in to help them problem solve, according to Brown, who is a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. "You can say, 'Let's come up with a better way of sharing your toy instead of taking it.' Your child has to learn that bullying behavior is not appropriate. If he's bullying other kids at the playground, tell him that if he keeps acting that way, he won't be able to go back there to play, and explain that other kids won't want to play with him."

This last point is important, Brown says, because kids do want to make friends, and they need to know the consequences of their bad behavior -- other children won't play with them, or that they won't get to play with the toy that they've grabbed out of another child's hands. Brown explains that toddlers have a survival of the fittest mentality that will only continue if it goes unchecked, spawning little bullies. "You learn in society that there are other ways to get what you need than to grab something from kids who are less assertive. It's important to teach our children what's acceptable behavior in society."

Another way to combat bullying behavior is to teach your child to have compassion for someone else, says Barbara Coloroso, an expert on bullying behavior who has written several books on the subject, including The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School -- How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence (Collins). "Teaching kids to care deeply for another child usually means they then won't hit them. But we also have to look as what we model as far as aggressive behavior. How do we treat people who work for us? How do we behave when we're driving? We have to walk the walk and talk the talk."

Becoming More Assertive
Of course, it's just as difficult to be the parent of a child who is bullied. Goldsmith says she is frustrated by the fact that her daughter doesn't do anything when kids take her toys away from her. Once, she says, another little girl who frequently bullies her child even made her daughter take her clothes off so that she could wear them instead.

Brown says parents of shy children should do the same thing as parents of little bullies; set up playdates for your child, or go to the park, and observe what happens. Help empower your bullied child to stand up for herself. Teach her to ask for help, or to say, "That's mine, I'm playing with it right now -- you can play with it later." Give them the words or skills to deal with the problem and make them feel like they aren't vulnerable.

"It's important to teach them to stand their ground or ask for help instead of melting down," says Brown. "This way, you're empowering your child with the skills they need to behave appropriately in a social setting."

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