Time-Out Tactics

Q: I was using time-outs to discipline our 2-year-old when he did something he knew he shouldn't. We were putting him in the playpen for the time outs. But now he can climb out of the playpen. I need another option to show him that when he disobeys there are consequences.

A: Time-out is a very effective form of discipline for a toddler. It gives him (and you) a chance to cool off. However, the best way to influence a child's behavior is not by punishing him when he does something you don't like, but by paying extra attention when he does something you do like. In other words, catch your son being good, not just being bad.

I'm a bit concerned that you may be expecting too much of your son at this age. It's both natural and healthy for a 2-year-old to be a bit defiant and to say "No!" to everything and everyone. Don't take it personally. By talking to other parents of toddlers and reading some books about toddlers (I recommend anything by T. Berry Brazelton or Fred Rogers), you'll gain some perspective. —Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D.

Tantrum Troubles

Q: I can't get my 1-year-old daughter to stop having tantrums when she cannot get her way. She falls and often bumps her head. I'm worried she will really hurt herself. Any suggestions?

A: Most parents who witness the strength of a child's tantrums can't imagine that she will not hurt herself. But an injury doesn't happen except in the most bizarre and rare of circumstances such as a child throwing herself down a stairway or falling out a window. Falling from her own height will do her no harm unless she falls directly on a pointed object -- a very rare occurrence. Even a goose egg doesn't mean there is serious injury.

Let her blow off the steam. Tantrums are normal at this age as she struggles with gaining independence, trying out the limits of her power. Your job is not to stop the tantrum, but to give her firm and consistent limits, redirection when she gets into trouble, and a chance to express her frustration and get herself back under control. If you give in and let her have her way, she won't know what the limits are and will always be pushing the boundaries to find out. —Suzanne Dixon, M.D., M.P.H.

Selective Eating

Q: My 3-year-old son will try a few bites of something and then say he doesn't like it after first saying it is good. His grandmother answers to his every whim, meaning if he isn't hungry then she doesn't try to get him to eat. Then when he comes to her, she caters to him any time of day. How can I get my son to eat short of hand-feeding him? I need help!

A: What you are describing is typical 3-year-old behavior and classical parental frustration over it. The short answer to your question is that you can't get him to eat when he doesn't want to. So how do you ensure a healthful diet?

Remember, and the other adults in your household decide what he should eat, but he is the one who decides how much of it he eats. Preschoolers need little packets of energy throughout the day rather than three large meals, so feeding him at "any time" is all right. It is more important what you feed him than when you give it to him. Dinner, on the other hand, should be a family time when you sit and talk to one another. Whether or not he eats should not be what keeps him at the table. (Whenever he eats, make sure that he sits down until he is finished. It's dangerous for children to run around while they're eating.)

You may have noticed that the more ardently you try to get him to eat something the less he eats. The key is to put a healthful selection of food in front of him and act as though it's immaterial to you whether he eats it or not. When I finally convince parents to do this, I invariably get phone calls in a few weeks telling me that their child is eating better than he ever did. —Loraine Stern, M.D.